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“Transformers: Age of Extinction” – Review (NEGATIVE)

June 28, 2014

Screen shot 2014-06-28 at 10.29.09 AMWhere to even begin? First of all, the fact that Michael Bay has publicly exclaimed that all the haters out there who will go and see this movie, just to hate on it, gets him off? REALLY!?!?

Yesterday I was planning to go and see this movie, what I wasn’t planning on was to buy a ticket to it, rather I would buy a ticket to something like “Dragon 2” or “Jersey Boys”, instead I found an unused/un-ripped ticket to the Showtime of “T4” that I was planning to see! So some poor sucker bought my entry. Jokes on them I guess.

The endless, noisy, robotic franchise Bay has continued to pursue is a never ending loud mouth machine that will never EVER find ground in being something with just a inkling of substance. The characters are far from interesting, the action is more of the same, and the runtime continues to get longer and longer with each passing film.

So…why do we go and see this garbage? Bay’s right, we go to hate on it because it’s fun to hate on it. Does that make a good movie? Does that even making it a pure movie going experience? Honestly, these movies, especially Bay’s have just as much substance and depth as a beer commercial. In fact, some how the movie sneaks one or two of those in there.

In this newly rebooted franchise, it’s now years after the attack on Chicago. Today the Transformers, Autobot & Decepticon alike are being hunted by humans, with the help of intergalactic Transformer bounty hunters led by Lockdown. Lockdown will not rest until every one of the robots in disguise is down and out, with the exception of Optimus Prime, he has bigger plans for Prime.

Meanwhile, in the middle of Who-Gives-A-Shit-Don’t-Mess-With-Me-Because-I’m-From-Texas, TX, Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), a scientist/inventor of sorts, discovers an abandon truck, which just so happens to be Optimus. The US government learns of Optimus’ location and threatens to take out Cade and his daughter, Tessa (Nicola Peltz), if they do not cooperate. Prime rescues the Yeager family, now on the run from the law, with no one to trust.

I have to say, it’s kind of tiresome to describe the plot of this film, there’s literally too much movie going here. With the movie trailers alone, this film is clocking in at 3 hours and 15 minutes! WHY!?!? Why the fuck does it have to be so long? There’s literally two different climactic battles, first one is in Chicago (again), at that moment I thought that would be the end of the movie, but then I remembered, ‘Oh wait, we haven’t seen the Dinobots or the GoBots yet’, so we have yet ANOTHER hour of set up before the NEXT climactic battle (in China).

Screen shot 2014-06-28 at 10.31.24 AMHonestly the ONLY redeeming factor about this film, is Stanley Tucci’s character. His character had the opportunity to be such a huge fuck up, not to mention typical annoying Bay character (which he kinda is), but all is forgiven, because Tucci gives it his all in the film. The best part in the entire 3-hour film is a 3-minute scene in an elevator with Tucci when he’s on the run in China. Fuck all the explosion, over sexualized glorification of women in the film, or the endless visual hard on’s for the cars, that elevator scene was the best, and most real moment in the entire film.

Fuck this movie, fuck Bay, and fuck Transformers! I never really gave a shit about the cartoons when I was a kid anyways, it was mainly filler watch before “The Real Ghostbusters” aired.


(I’m being this generous only for Tucci

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