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The Lucky 13: Worst Films of 2013

January 2, 2014

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You knew this was coming, here they are people, the Unlucky 13 stinkers of 2013, keep in mind this is my opinion, my picks, so if you don’t agree, then fuck off.

Happy New Year!

13. “Frozen” – It’s not a TERRIBLE movie, but this is certainly not the ‘masterpiece’ that critics are labeling it to be. For me this was simply a by books, generic, Disney Princess/Fairytale. Not guts, nothing new (or very exciting), the characters are bland and cold as the winter itself. The character of Olaf will get a pass, he literally was the funniest parts of the film, and I’m not even a fan of Josh Gad (that mutant Jonah Hill wannabe). I’m sure I’ll get a lot of flack for including this on my list, but I don’t care.

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12. “World War Z” – One of my all time favorite novels of the last decade is turned into a mindless, dull, and anti-climactic, bloodless, snooze fest. Brad [Pitt], I love ya, you’re a good dude, you’ve made some good films, and even some under-appreciated ones, but man oh man, what were you thinking here? The zombies were laughably bad; the action was standard summer popcorn flare, and really, not a hint of the genius behind the mass story of Max Brooks’ original source material made its way to the screen. I blame “The Walking Dead” really, because in a world with that show/comic existence, we’ve been silver spooned pure zombie storytelling at it’s finest.

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11. “No God, No Master” – I saw this film at the Palm Beach Int. Film Festival back in April, and my god, I had no idea that a historical drama about the early terrorist bombings of America set in 1919 was so incredible BORING! The camera work is frail and lifeless, and the motivation of the story is slow and almost pointless, which is a shame, because I love historical dramas, and this seemed like a sure-fire winner when I read about it at the fest, but it did not achieve what I was hoping for. David Strathairn does give a moderately fair performance as William Flynn, but it wasn’t enough to save the movies poor direction by Terry Green.

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10. “The Bling Ring” – It’s too bad “Spring Breakers” came out before this film, because I was really looking forward to this latest Sofia Coppola ‘crimedy’. Trouble is, “Spring Breakers” got the message so much better than this film; the evils of youth and ignorance [borrowed that line from my pal Dom, thanks mate].

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9. “Oblivion” – I was really digging this movie…until the twist was revealed, after that the movie went straight down hill. I won’t ruin the twist [“Moon” rip-off], but it REALLY pissed me off. Not mention the ending was so fucking infuriating, I almost through my popcorn at the IMAX screen.

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8. “Decoding Annie Parker” – Another selection from PBIFF, which proves that lazy filmmaking isn’t far off. While it’s shot quite well, and the actors selected for the movie are solid, and they do give a solid performances, the problem the movie faces is it suffers from tiresome editing, and a shorten runtime that rushes 4 decades of Annie Parker’s cancer history that leaves us not feeling very much, well, for me at least anything substantial. The payoff isn’t as sufficing as one would expect about an important topic such as the BRCA1 gene, which is the link to breast cancer.  Many people were affected by the movie in an emotional way at the screening, and I can empathize, but this is still a movie, and if you’re going make a movie, you need make it properly, so your message comes off with a little more gratification.

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7. “Planes” – John Lasseter saw nothing but $$$ when he made “Cars” in 2005, now he wants to tell important stories about, Planes, Trains, and Boats. Get ready folks, “Planes” is just the tip of the iceberg. God help us all.

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6. “A Good Day to Die Hard” – I liked the 4th “Die Hard” movie, I really did, and with this 5th installment, it’s pretty much killed the entire franchise. Bruce [Willis] looked as if he simply phoned it in, not giving two shits in the world about his famous character that made him…well, famous! People come to see John McClane be John McClane, and it seems that the movie lacked in that department, sure Bruce can smirk and look tough, but what happened to all the witty banter & uncomfortable jokes? That’s what made his character so memorable from the first movie. Even his infamous catch phrase comes off as awkward & stale, like it doesn’t belong, if anything it felt forced, and that was the final nail in the coffin.

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5. “Gangster Squad” – This is one of the biggest disappointments for me this year. “Gangster Squad” was intended to come out in the Fall of 2012, setting it’s sights on the Oscar season, but was pushed back to January for reshoots, in light of the Aurora shootings. January is usually a death sentence for any new movie, it’s the month where all the dog shit is dumped, it’s simply mixed in with all the Fall Oscar bait films that people are catching up on. “Gangster Squad” was one big giant cliché with a capital C! The characters are all over the place, the story is so stupid, and the direction is piss poor, which is a shame because this is the director of “Zombieland” and “30 Minutes or Less”…ohhhhh ok, never mind.

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4. “After Earth” – Give up Will, your boy is a lousy actor, and you’re a lousy father for even TRYING to push him on to us. And M. Night…you know what? Your too easy to make fun of.

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3. “Grown Ups 2” – Adam Sandler never did a sequel, to anyone of his films, that was the small shred of respect I had for him. And then of course, of all the movies he decides to make a sequel to, it’s “Grown Ups”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!? No “Little Nicky 2”?!? No “Happy Gilmore Part II”?!? You think “Grown Ups” was bad? Number 2, is simply…well a number 2 [poop joke]. For Science Sakes, Adam has to get pissed on by a deer to garner laughs, and trust me, the thought of having Sandler defiled by any animal brings me nothing but a sense of joy, but when I’m actually seeing it, visually, I die a little more inside.

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2. “Delivery Man” – Ken Scott directs a remake to his own French-Canadian comedy, “Starbuck”, with Vince Vaughn. It’s simply a shot-by-shot, frame-by-frame, dialogue-by-dialogue remake for a good movie. There is nothing original, new, or worthy about this movie. If you want to see something good, never watch this film, and only see “Starbuck” on Netflix.

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1. “The Great Gatsby” –  Now, if there’s one movie that could piss me off more than the unnecessary remake of “Starbuck”, it’s ANOTHER remake/adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s American novella, The Great Gatsby. And being directed Baz Lurhmann, we can expect nothing but flashy visuals and…no that’s it, he substitutes style of substance.  It’s times like these where I’ve stop questioning why Hollywood won’t give original auteur the chance to embrace something ‘new’ and innovative, no, now I’ve come to terms with it and accepted the fact that Hollywood will never change. It’ll take a classic book and rip the pages out and turn it into a 3D ocular-fuck-fest! Get ready for the next brilliant adaptation from Baz Lurhmann, when he does a 3D version of “Moby Dick”, but the white whale will be a giant puppet and everything else is abstract/sparkly.

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[I missed out on “Grudge Match” & “47 Ronin”, both I’ve heard are equally awful films.]

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