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The Lucky 13: The Worst Films of 2012

January 13, 2013

I’m a little late with this list, but the Oscar nominees have finally been released, so in honor of such a major week in the film industry I thought it would be appropriate (or inappropriate) to discuss the worst of the worst last year offered us. Theses are movies I either purely despised or was completely and 100% soul crushed how bad it turned out.

Let’s begin…

13. “This Is 40” – Judd Apatow is better than this, and his cast deserved much more to work with. The length was part of the problem, the story is so self-inflicted with spoiled upper-middle class white people problems that it becomes irritating and unfunny very quickly, not to mention borish. I’m sorry, but this is one movie Apatow flunked up on. Hopefully this will be his last flunk.

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12. “Total Recall” –  The movie isn’t all that great; it’s filled with a lot of dumb things; Obama bills, hand-phones (an actual phone implanted into ones hand) I shit you not this is for real, it’s all pretty goddamn silly to watch in action. The stunts are eye rolling and the story is nothing newer or more creative to it’s original subject matter or the original 1990 AH-Nuld flick.

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11. “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen” – Assassins vying to kill a sheik, weird-editing styles of text bubbles popping out of nowhere, and a poorly executed terrorist plotted sabotage during the climax of the film, yes, this is in fact still “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen” I’m talking about. But, the one thing that really bothered me was the subplot of Harriet (Emily Blunt) and her army-enlisted boyfriend, the formulaic conclusions that’s been done countless times before arises as usual. Why couldn’t the boyfriend just stay dead? In fact, Alfred (Ewan McGregor) makes a comment in the exact same sense!

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10. “Rock of Ages” – I GET IT, it’s a musical, it’s a rock musical, but there are far more superior rock musicals out there that are 10x better than this pile of Adam Shankman horse shit; “Tommy” can you hear me? Save me! Stiff performances from mostly everyone involved, unless their last name is Cruise.

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9. Snow White and the Huntsman – Really movie? You REEEALLLY think Kristen Stewart is more fairest than Charlize Theron??!?! This could a better movie if she was not the star, her wooden is sooooo freakin’ stiff.

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8. “Dark Shadows” – Boring plot, bland characters, a style that over stays its welcome more times than it’s director. This should be the straw that broke the Depp/Burton team-up back.

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7. “A Thousand Words” – One Word: STUPID!

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6. Parental Guidance – Billy Crystal agrees to do this inoffensive trifle of a movie that takes every blandly predictable turn you can imagine. I mean if you find Mr. Crystal getting pound in the balls constantly and trying to talk all white rapper style funny, then yes color me hilarious.

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5. “This Means War” – Sad to see the supporting players, some even as background characters, are getting WAY more laughs than what the lead cast is throwing at us. And wait a sec, was that Angela Bassett in a point less and highly underused supporting role? I think that was! I could go off for hours on why I think you people should skip this film, but I know that people disregard what critics have to say, so, whatever see, don’t see it, I couldn’t give a rats ass.

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4. “Battleship” – The characters are all one-noted, seen before protagonists. These yahoos belong in a 1996 Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer action pic. Seriously, if this was made 15 years ago, this would’ve been deemed a classic in it’s own right, but for today’s standard it has set the bar extremely low. With it’s carbon copy characters, cheap humorous dialogue, and predictable ending. You can’t get any hokier than today’s youth of the Navy teaming up with the old school men of the era, and finally resurrecting the famous USS Missouri for a final alien bout. Seriously, I was ready to puke cheese, that sequences was that bad, all it needed was some hardcore AC/DC playing in the background…oh wait…THUNDERSTRUCK!

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3. “Alex Cross” – In the end, the movie leaves you sitting there rolling your eyes, having you ask the screen, ‘Why did you just do that?’, ‘What were you thinking?’, ‘Really?’ It’s a cluster fuck of a generic piece of wasted celluloid, that in my opinion felt like filler for the month of October. Stick to your guns people and go see “Argo”.

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2. “That’s My Boy” – Why Adam Sandler?! WHY!?!? You had it all, you were on top of the successful comedy mountain many years ago, but the older you got the more immature you became. Samberg doesn’t let loose at all here, he’s just in this movie for the ride of being Adam Sandler’s sidekick. And since when the FUCK was incest funny???

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1.. “Red Dawn” – AMURRICA, FUCK YEAH! That’s your target audience for this lame brain Americanized propaganda shit fest. It’s filled with dull characters, shotty dialogue, and action set pieces that were clearly ripped off from a Christopher Nolan Batman movie. Lets take a moment to clarify, if something was already not so good in the first place, DON’T REMAKE IT!

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