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“This Means War” – Early Review (NEGATIVE)

February 8, 2012

Why Tom Hardy, WHY?!? Well, as my buddy Dylan explained to me, Hardy has just done three serious films, and he needed to do fast, easy, for the money comedy. Like, Natalie Portman coming off “Black Swan” with “No Strings Attached” to follow. I’m not a Reese Witherspoon fan to begin with so I already knew I wouldn’t enjoy much of the film while she’s present on screen. As for Chris Pine…well, I can’t get the Captain Kirk mindset off.

Two top CIA operatives, FDR Foster (Chris Pine) & Tuck (Tom Hardy) wage an epic battle against one another after they discover they are dating the same woman (Reese Witherspoon), Lauren. After several dates, and some heavy spy work between both parties, Lauren is caught in the middle of a major dilemma, who’s the perfect guy for her? Meanwhile, there’s a subplot involving a really angry German bad guy named Heinrich (Til Schweiger), who’s after FDR & Tuck for killing Henrich’s brother.

Guys want an action movie and the ladies want the romantic comedy, honestly I think both groups are going to be seriously disappointed. The action sequences are lame at the very best, and the romantic shit is so by the book it becomes tiresome. The movie steals certain little things from every movie you can think of, including “Goodfellas”! Can you believe that?!? “Goodfellas”! It’s the scene where FDR & Lauren go on their first date, personally I think only a real movie buff would notice this, but if you’ve seen “Goodfellas” it’s really not hard to miss.

Now the movies story overall sucks, you know exactly how it’s gonna end from the beginning of the film, all that’s left is to sit through an hour and a half of the inevitable. It’s a McG film, can you expect any less? This is the man behind the “Charlie’s Angels” movies. But, are the actors funny? Reese, I could care less, she is all kinds of annoying here. Chris Pine has his moments, but all I saw in him was his Captain Kirk character in J.J. Abram’s “Star Trek” (P.S. can’t freakin’ wait for “2”). Now, Tom Hardy & co-star Chelsea Handler seem to be having the most fun here. Hardy is breaking out into American audience quite quickly, “The Dark Knight Rises” will certainly put the official staple on all things Tom, but I can’t help but feel bad that he had to do a crappy rom-com-action flick like this. Chelsea, she’s funny, she’s not my cup of tea on TV, but I’ll give her credit, she’s FUNNY in this movie.

It’s quite sad to see that the supporting players, even some of the minimal background characters of the film, are getting WAY more laughs than what the lead cast is throwing at us. And wait a sec, was that Angela Bassett in a point less and highly underused supporting role? I think that was! I could go off for hours on why I think you people should skip this film, but I know that people disregard what critics have to say, so, whatever see, don’t see it, I couldn’t give a rats ass. All I know is this, I saw the movie early & FREE at a press screening, that’s fine by me.

GRADE: D-

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. jesse permalink
    February 10, 2012 6:17 am

    don’t you mean you ‘couldn’t give a rat’s ass’? saying you could means you do care.

    i always knew you cared. *wipes single tear away*

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