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“Immortals” – Early Review (NEGATIVE)

November 11, 2011

“Immortals” is without a doubt the best comedy of 2011. Wait…it’s not a comedy you say? Then why was I laughing during the entire two-hour runtime?

Yes, the pretentious ‘visionary director’ (if you wanna call him that), Tarsem Singh is back for a third directing gig in this Greek tragedy of an action adventure film. In 2000, his ‘WTF’ freaky J. Lo flick, “The Cell”, left people disturbed and puzzled. His 2006 indie-version of “The Neverending Story” stylized movie “The Fall” was indeed better than his first film, but was still stapled with pretentiousness visuals. And now, fast forward five years later he’s back, now ripping off “300”, in this cinematic visual explosion diarrhea. A 3D action adventure that had no need for 3D to begin with.

While some of the set pieces are impressive, the elaborate costume will catch the eye of any film lover, the movie as whole is a horrible mess of cliché plotlines, boring characters, lazy dialogue, and hammy supporting actors. I will give credit to both Henry Cavill & Mickey Rourke, the two here seem to be having fun in their roles, perhaps Rourke is having too much fun, but everything that is surrounding them is just too embarrassing to watch. One of Tarsem’s biggest problems in his films is that there is just too much exposition, here, there’s none to be found! This movie could’ve actually used some of that.

Theseus (Cavill), a mortal peasant, has been chosen by Zeus (Luke Evans) to lead the fight against the ruthless King Hyperion (Rourke), who is on a rampage across Greece to obtain a weapon that can destroy humanity, the Epirus Bow. The bow is a weapon of unimaginable power forged in the heavens by Ares. The one who possesses the Epirus Bow can unleash the Titans, who have been imprisoned deep within the walls of Mount Tartaros since the dawn of time. In the king’s hands, the bow would rain destruction upon mankind and annihilate the Gods, and he would be considered more powerful than Zeus himself!

You see, that sounds all fine & dandy on paper, but translating it to the big screen is a problem. The movies story is layered with annoying been there done that scenarios. Hyperion’s motive, to avenge his (unseen) families death, blah blah, he’s angry, blah blah, he’ll gauge out your eyes, and crush your nuts. Yes, I’m not kidding, King Hyperion actually has one of his men smashing another mans testicles into goo, just so that man can the crew of Hyperion…UUHHHWWHHAA??? It’s that kind of dumb shit plotting from Tarsem that makes us wonder, ‘What is going on up there’, ‘there’ being his twisted Indian mind. The Oracle, played staley by Frieda Pinto, can only see the future while staying a virgin. Within two seconds of hearing that nonsense you can automatically guess she won’t be a virgin for long on screen.

There really isn’t enough plot to guide this movie in the right direction. There is more blood & guts to be seen in this movie than actual plot. THANK YOU TARSEM! Another thing that bothered me was the casting choices of the Greek Gods. I’m sorry but having a completely 20-something-year old cast as the Greek Gods? Zeus! Athena! Poseidon! They’re all so damn young looking! It feels like the imagery of a Greek God has been tarnished by Tarsem!

I wasn’t expecting this movie to be that bad, but it’s BAD, believe me. It’s not worth your time, nor your money to see it this weekend. I’d recommend waiting till the dollar theater release or rental, but even then you’re giving your money away to this movie. Just skip it. That’s the best I can say for all of you. I’m still in utter shock regarding what I just saw. But, guess what kiddies? Tarsem Singh will be back next spring with his take on a beloved classic…Snow White! Oh joy (sarcasm)!


6 Comments leave one →
  1. jesse permalink
    November 12, 2011 5:56 pm

    “They’re all so damn young looking!”

    that was kinda the point. if you were a god, would you choose to look old? they’re immortals.

  2. December 4, 2011 11:23 pm

    You nailed it. I saw this movie last night. While the visuals were stunning, the plot was a turd. Plus, what the heck was up with Poseidon’s costume?

    • December 4, 2011 11:28 pm

      GAWD I hated this movie. It was 2 hours of Tarsem Singh dancing in front of the screening chanting “Ask me what it means! Ask me what it means! Ask me it what it means!”

      • December 4, 2011 11:39 pm

        The sad thing is that I’m very easy to please with these things. No characterization, no problem. All I need is guys with swords + functional plot = Sean is easily amused.

        At Comic Con, Tarsem was commenting on how awful the Clash of the Titans reboot was. For my very low bar, Clash wasn’t perfect, but it kept me amused. This thing was GAWD awful, which is a shame because Henry Cavill & Mickey Rourke were in it. Plus, had I known Tarsem directed The Cell, I would have seen something else. Oh well…

      • December 5, 2011 12:22 am

        Oh well indeed.

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