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“Colombiana” – Early Review (NEGATIVE)

August 26, 2011

There are action movies with brainless story, but still full of a lot of fun entertainment, with characters you actually root for, they’re called B movies. Well, Luc Besson did that it was called “Taken”, I’m not to even gonna discuss “The Professional”, that’s a masterpiece in its own field.. The story in “Taken” was familar in its theme of  revenge, but the determination from the character was a lot more endearing, because he still had a chance to save a loved one. “Colombiana” takes the similar principles and totally shits, or I should say, vomits (you’ll see) all over it. “Colombiana” is overhauled with action movie cliches, cheesy dialogue, stupid characters, bad acting, and a crap load of movie mistakes. It got to the point of complete boredom.

The film tells the age old tale about a child, vowing to take vengeance against the people who murdered their family. Cataleya Restrepo (Zoe Saldana) grows up to be a professional killer. Working for her hitman uncle (Cliff Curtis), she remains focused on her ultimate goal: to hunt down and get revenge on the Colombian mobster responsible for her parents’ deaths. The mob guy kills Cataleya’s parents because they know too much on what’s on some micro disk, which we the audience will never know what the hell it was all about, making the parents death meaningless to us/me. And that’s it, that’s the plot, and if you think this sounds familiar, it should, it’s only been done 10,000 times, and almost every time it ends the same way. So, there’s really no point in seeing this movie, you know how it’s gonna end…SPOILER ALERT: she wins, they lose!

Lets be honest, the only real reason people will see this movie, and by people I mean a male fanboy audience (much like myself) from ages 14-40, will only see this because of the super hot Zoe Saldana, and I’m not gonna lie, she was damn hot as a cold blooded killer. But that’s really all she’s there for, eye candy. Her character is completely and utterly stupid. She’s killing all the people who worked for the mobster, leaving a message, getting the word out there, and  she doesn’t even think this won’t come back and bite her in the ass? She has family! She’s risking their lives by playing vigilante! Even her uncle says to her she’s getting in too deep and the consequences could be dire. It doesn’t take an FBI or CIA agent to figure that one out. The movie opens with a big WTF moment after moment after moment. The character of Cataleya as a child is so whacked out of her mind! Yes, I get it, she witnessed her familes death, but where in the hell did she learn all that kung-fu style fighting? All that crap to get away from the henchmens of ‘Goons R US’? It so ridiculous, that’s just one of the many WTF moments of the first 20 mins. She makes her way from Colombia to Miami to Chicago all with what appears to be like 25 bucks in her hands, and she’s taking planes, trains, & buses. Seriously, it’s so stupid, my eyes were rolling in disbelief scene to scene. And then comes the biggest laugh out loud line ever, her uncle askes her, “What do you wanna be when you grow up? An Artist?” She shakes her head, “No, I want to be a killer, can you teach me?” And without hesitating the uncle says, “Sure”. It’s these kinds of moments in the movie that are so painful to watch.

I don’t feel any emotional connection to the character, because she’s stupid and makes dumb choices, sure she can pull movies like a super spy, but when she goes from climbing in airducks, with a perfect calculating way to turn off the power to the vent, which was actually pretty cool, to going to a point in the film where she’s fighting a bad guy with a towel and toothbrushes makes me lose all hope. I was anticipating that she’d get a little more creative, but no, she was literally slapping a bad guy in the face with a towel and hitting him with toothbrushes. Jason Bourne needs to be there and scream: “FAIL!”

Look, I really wanted to like this movie, when I saw Luc Bessons name attached as co-writer & producer I was kinda stoked, but it was just too painful to watch. By the way, I’m sure I know my math, the movie starts out in 1992 and then it says 15 years later, what year would that be ladies and gents? 2007! Ok, so why is there a presidential picture of Barack Obama at the CIA in 2007 when he didn’t enter office till Janurary 2009? ANOTHER FAIL!

The techincal side of the film, I mean sure the cinematography was good and all, the style isn’t anything new, rent any Tony Scott film, they basically stole that look, a very dirty yellow color style throughout the film. Like it’s supposed to be a grungy movie, which it is, but it really isn’t. You don’t have to take my oppinon, I’m just posting my review, my thoughts, if you wanna go see this movie, go right on ahead, Zoe looks AMAZING in a spandex suit. Just leave your brain at home and go in with an open mind, that’s your safest bet. But, for me, it was nothing special and quite boring.

GRADE: D

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